Who Am I?

January 5, 2014

IMG_0500Long months have come and gone since the last time I posted on this blog.

I apologize to those who have chosen to follow me, I feel I have let you down. But there are times in everyone’s life when they have to stop, work through internal issues, and decide on a direction. Sometimes the choice is to stay on the same path, and sometimes the choice is to move in a new direction.

My problem was that I lost track of myself. Not an easy thing to do, considering that I’m pretty tightly stuck to me, but Me wasn’t communicating for a while so I was blindly staggering along the path without direction.

When I finally woke from my sleep walking journey it took a while for me to figure out where I was and, more important, how I could get from where I was to where I want to be. I sat on a rock for a long time, musing and watching the time go by.

Then a thought came to me …. how can I choose a new track when I don’t even know who I am? When I fell asleep I was a woman in a daze, but now I find myself awake and wondering what happened to get me from where i was to where I am while I was asleep …. and how do I repair all the damage done by time, weather, and vandals while I was sleeping?

So, I decided to start my journey of the discovery of self by figuring out what I am.

What Am I?

  • Writer: teller of stories, creator of tales, weaver of alternate realities;
  • Videographer: capturer of happenings, recorder of events, chronographer;
  • Photographer: freezer of timely moments, stopper of time, moment saver;
  • Friend: sharer, carer, secret holder;
  • Pet Owner: petter, caretaker, midwife, nurse, vet, petter, walker, claw clipper;
  • Businesswoman: accountant, organizer, record keeper, strategist, worrier;
  • Girlfriend: partner, lover, sharer, bedfellow, stroker, sexy, exciting, bitch;
  • Lover: giver, taker, participator, caresser, stroker, stoker, compliant, demanding;
  • Owner: breeder, feeder, trainer, mommy, disciplinarian, teacher, rewarder;
  • Student: researcher, learner, reader, practicer, test taker, striver, thinker;
  • Woman: moody, exciting, loving, needy, fat, bitchy, short, cute, thin, beautiful, succulent, slim, untouchable, free, nest builder, easy, longing, empty satiated, unhappy, ecstatic, joyful, unhappy, energetic, satisfied, tired, energetic, happy, lazy, disconnected, sensitive, lazy, telepathic, anxious, lonely, content, therapist.

Perhaps there is no answer.

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May 13, 2013

RaysOfLight

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Ode to Monster Kitty
Something has happened to my soft gray buddy,
he’s been missing in action for quite a while.
I’ve looked and called to no avail,
no answer is found, no sign of his long tail.

Found alone and crying in the middle of a field,
wet and cold after an especially heavy rain,
Monster Kitty was about the size of a mouse-
a soft, gray ball of wet fur yelling in hunger-
tiny, vulnerable, and screaming his outrage.

Light as a feather and barely able to see,
already he was a miniature fighter with fists waving,
ready to take on the world and size be damned,
Hissing at my approach, warning my dark shadow
that he was tough and would fight to the death.

He grew from finger-sized to super-sized,
with a tail that he carried high in the air
a long gray monkey tail of defiance,
at once a challenge and an announcement
that Monster Kitty had arrived on the scene.

As he grew from tiny kitten to gangly catten,
he murdered scarves, attacked shiny dust motes,
and annoyed the hell out of older Ezaroo cat.
A fearless king of the house from the beginning,
he was not above stealing Rally’s dog food.

In his Catten years he was a quality entertainer,
dragging hair ties and pillows around the house,
laying in wait around every corner to attack,
climbing the tree to the sunny apartment roof,
then leaping to a cushion held over my head.

Monster Kitty was an extraordinary cat,
curious about everything and always learning.
He learned to open drawers while I was at work
and reclaimed all his toys from their hiding places,
then brought them to drop on my keyboard with glee.

His energy seemed unlimited–especially at night,
when I was combination trampoline and launch pad.
Never especially affectionate, but still my friend,
he was often opinionated and quick with claws,
but when he allowed a cuddle I felt blessed.

Monster Kitty, your loss is a shadow on my heart.
I miss hearing you run on the roof like an elephant
as you blasted around chasing mice for hours.
I wonder where you are, and what you’re doing now.
You’re such a handsome boy, did you find safety?
IMG_0634

date-blog

This is dedicated to Doug.
 You’re right. Words have power.
Once spoken they resonate forever.
No matter what the future brings, you will always be a part of me. 

 I Love You

“I love you.”

The words are difficult to speak at first.
Three small words.

The meaning varies so much
from person to person,
from situation to situation.

“I love you.”

The words rarely mean the same thing to one
as they do to another.
They change, forever, the temper of a relationship.

They bare my soul and give you power….
power to accept or to refuse,
power to bring great joy, or great pain.

They present my open heart to you,
show my trust and faith in the possible,
ask for the possibility of trust and faith in return.

They offer my willingness to share intimacy,
physical, spiritual, and mental;
my innermost thoughts and beliefs,
desires, pains, memories, joys and triumphs.

They speak of my loneliness,
my selfish need to feel cherished,
my need to be allowed to protect and hold sacred
the heart I see in you.

They beg the questions:

“May I share your dreams?”
“Would you consider building a future with me?”
“Is there an empty place in your life and heart
that has been waiting for my life and heart,
as mine waits for yours?”

With these three small words
come small sharp shards of fear….
fear of rejection,
fear of disinterest,
fear that a heart that has never had love returned,
a heart so deprived,
may never trust,
never accept,
never open.

Still, I take this step forward to you.

I reveal my soul, my heart.
I oil the rusted bars and throw open the fortress door.
I give you the key with these three words:

“I love you.”

IMG_2236

Trust a Dove
‘Tis a long sad tale I’m here to tell
of five lost years in the depths of hell.
Many friends, who knew me well,
know of events that wove the spell
and locked me in a self-made cell
through five long years of dark unwell.

The gate, locked tight through all those years,
was covered with rust of lost hopes and fears.
Emotions were draped in thin veneers
while wistful fingers held souvenirs;
memories of smiles from long past years.
My eyes often leaked scalding tears.

But years flow past and all the while
in a labeled box there grows a file
of every step taken, each memoried mile,
all carefully stacked, labeled and filed.
While I walked backwards across dark isle,
My life has morphed to a brand new style.

For long years past, blow by blow,
romance came in books starring handsome beau,
who lived on a hill in a quaint chateaux
with a deep dark past and an evil foe.
All desire I gave up, I’d rather not know
the feel inside of a heart all aglow.

But in through my cloud, all dusty with soot
came a dove for my heart and away it flew.
No, I wasn’t worried because I knew
that my heart was shriveled, dried through and through.
So the bird took my heart but I could make do
’cause who needs a heart with a blind point of view.

More months passed and a knight did I meet,
emotionally tired from recent defeat,
when down swooped that bird, dropped my heart at his feet!
I expected to see a hasty retreat,
instead, our eyes met, my heart started to beat.
He bent down for a kiss, thank you God, life is sweet.

Insomnia

The house is quiet

….so quiet

My senses stretch

….searching in vain

for a hint of heartbeat

….of life.

I’ve had my shower

….read my book.

Worked on Sudoku

….till I can’t see.

Played computer games

….my mind is blank.

Time to head for bed

….I drag my feet.

Emptiness overwhelms me

….but I’m so tired.

I slide between cool sheets

….lay down my head.

…………………………………

It starts slowly

the spinning

whirling

writhing

surging

unstoppable

building

tumbling

whirlwind

of my mind.

I lay there

as it speeds up

faster

and

faster

round

and

round

I hold onto the bed

holding

trying

to stop

to slow

to break

the momentum

No use

I lay there

tears leaking

sliding

wetting the pillow

defeated

but too tired

to move

A century later

I sit up

while dirvish thoughts

chase themselves

through the labrinth

in my head

I drag

through the echoing

dead stillness

to the kitchen.

the spinning has slowed

I want tea

but have no energy

so I sit

wondering

why I’m still here

Thirty-eight hours

of awake

it’s a long way

to the door

1000 miles to the bed

my heart is hammering

I struggle to stand

slide my feet along

so slowly

like walking

through porridge

The bed approaches

creeping nearer

haltingly

I observe from afar

dispassionately

as I fall into it

My eyes close

and my thoughts

start to swirl

faster

and

faster

…………….

Once upon a time it was easy to fall asleep. In fact, long ago I fell asleep on a motorcycle and almost tumbled off when the driver turned a corner. In my defense, I had been on the motorcycle for almost 9 hours with only a gas station break, was jammed between the driver and an enormous duffle bag, couldn’t see around his back, and all I could hear was the rumble of the motor. Fortunately, he grabbed me as I started to slide off and woke me up. Unfortunately, he pulled over and yelled at me for 15 minutes.DSCF2371b

We rolled into the next rest area—empty at 2:00 am—where I lay down on the pavement with my head on the curb and fell asleep for the 20 minutes it took him to find the bathroom in the dark and make it back to the parking lot. It’s probably a good thing I couldn’t see what I was laying in.

At that time my hair was waist-length and after that trip it took almost two hours to get all the tangles out. I don’t think it’s recovered to this day, and that was over 40 years ago. I’ve never had much of a desire to go motorcycle riding ever since.

Where am I going with this?? Oh yes, I give this story as an example of my past ability to sleep anywhere and anywhen. As you can guess from the title of this posting, there have been times when that is not the case. Situations change, lifestyles change, hormones imbalance, comfort level rolls over a hill, stress level climbs a mountain, friends go back to their lives, family is 2000 miles away, you find yourself suddenly alone after 30+ years of companionship…etc.

Those of you who have read parts of this blog other than the Poetry page know a bit about my history.

For the poetry buffs, here is a brief synopsis:

About 5 years ago I lost my husband of 32 years after a two year battle with cancer. Since that time I have been emotionally adrift. The fires of my creativity have been banked so low that I don’t even remember much of the time between then and now. I know I started this blog because I read it and recall the events, though I wonder how I wrote those words when I could barely think. I guess there must have been moments of lucidity.

A little over six months ago I met someone who reached out a hand to me and showed me the way back to solid ground.

This is dedicated to one who has come to mean more to me than I ever thought was possible.

sunrise

My Love, My Friend,
please read this with an open mind.
I am not trying to influence you,
only struggling to put my feelings into words.

From The Abyss
 For many years,
through many tears
I found trust.

I remember the feeling.
Absolute trust.

Trust that love was strong,
would survive anything,
that life was laid out and
would always be good,
that there was a place for me
a sanctuary where I was safe
from curves the world could throw.

Then, my world shattered.
One piece at a time,
over the course of years,
until the sky fell down
and the ground gave way.

I fell into a dark and bottomless pit
–floating–
unable to find solid ground
–lightless–
severed and directionless,
wrapped in a numbing cocoon.
By choice unaware.

But in the darkness I felt a touch.
A hand reached out,
warm fingers stroked my cheek,
reminders that life continues
outside the abyss.

Gentle guidance led me
to solid footing and a ray of light.

At first, the light was too bright,
I had no strength to stand,
but time passed, my eyes adjusted,
my strength returned.

Like a phoenix I am rising
from ashes of the past
to a new beginning.

But,
without that touch,
that hand,
that light

…..

would I have drifted
forever
beyond reach?

It seems that I write Haiku in sets of three for some reason…and I seem to be stuck on Haiku. LOL! Who would have thunk it?

smile

Love
When I see your face
I smile uncontrollably
in the glow of love.

Friendship
Should you ever need,
I am always there for you;
rain, wind, storm or sun.

Purpose
I know what I want,
it is just outside my grasp,
but I will reach it.

DSCF2605

Rain Tax

Once upon a winter’s eve
no taxes did we pay.
They called the vote,
and voted we,
and with our vote said, “NAY!”

But they were politicians – sly
and so they played their hand;
a whisper there,
a promised lie,
and soon they taxed our land.

With that small toe within the door
the weed of tax grew strong.
They taxed at work
and taxed at store;
They taxed hard, deep and long.

We’ll not escape throughout our life
though taxes drain us dry.
So though we work
from morn to night
our end is never nigh.

For after taxing school and bread,
clothes, TV, and phone,
they even tax
us after death.
No shelter from the storm.

I heard they’re adding one more tax,
they’ll tax us now for rain.
I wonder how
will we react
when we get taxed for pain.

For those of you who don’t believe there is such a thing as a Rain Tax, check out this link and be shocked:
http://www.gazette.net/article/20130405/NEWS/130409397/-1/the-x2018-rain-tax-x2019&template=gazette&template=gazette

DSCF2328
Heaven’s Portal

The green of grass, the blue of sky,
a mother’s touch, a baby’s cry,
my cup flows over, all is good…
In Heaven’s portal I have stood.

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