Why I Am Writing This Blog

February 19, 2011

I take it upon myself to write this blog in memory of a most wonderful person, and with the hope that it will help others make it through their loss.

Ted was everything to me and wore many faces through our relationship. He was friend, lover, defender, provider, safety net, carpenter, mechanic, electrician, house cleaner, window washer, yard man, computer geek, entertainer, nurse, comforter, warm arms, snow shoveler, source of knowledge on a seemingly endless range of topics, foot warmer, weatherman, maintenance man, bill payer, keeper of special dates, dinner date, interesting conversationalist, challenging chess and backgammon partner, sensitive to my changing female moods, and the keeper of my heart.

He filled our house with his presence and it was transformed from an ordinary building into a warm and inviting home, a sanctuary from the craziness of the rest of the world. His very presence brought a smile to my face and his loss has left a monstrous and bottomless hole that sometimes seems to suck the life from me. I fight constantly to keep from falling endlessly into it.

Originally this was supposed to be a blog about my horse in training. I didn’t think I was ready for this, or strong enough. But, somewhere along the way, the best laid plans are waylaid by unforeseen turns in the road, and when I sat down and started writing this is what came out.

Of course, very few of those reading this blog have ever met me or my husband. It doesn’t matter. I think loss is much the same across the board and many of you who have been through the loss of someone close to you – friend, partner, family member, spouse or child – will understand why I am doing this. Hopefully you will join me and relate your stories in the comments section.

My husband was a wonderful person with so much more he wanted to do with his life. Instead he was dragged through his last two years willy-nilly with little choice of direction. Forgive me if, at times, I sound bitter or angry. I cry often and since I live alone now I don’t try to keep the sobs silent. I let them rattle the windows and echo off the walls of the house that no longer feels warm, but is empty and cold without his presence.

It may take me some time to get through the story because this is not just a rendition of what happened after we heard about the cancer, it is also the story of two lives that intertwined through over 35 years. It is a story of love that grew through time, laughter, tears, pride, anger, sadness, disappointment, triumph and joy. It is a story of great loss followed by dark clouds of depression, anger and confusion interspersed with occasional bits of color that open the door for hope.

I promise you now that the story will be told in its entirety, and that I will be adding to this blog at least twice per week. It is important to me that I do this. I believe it will be a comfort to tell the story, and I hope that readers will understand the hospital procedures and effects of cancer treatments better when hearing it from the family’s perspective, rather than the doctor’s.

If you’re reading this blog because you’ve lost someone close to you and you feel alone, trust me, you are far from being alone. I hope that in some small way reading this will make you realize that life goes on – sometimes in spite of our wishes – and that there are still many reasons to carry on. Please feel free to comment, either on what you see here or on your personal experiences with loss. Also, I would like each and every one of you who have been through a similar experience to know that I am deeply and sincerely sorry for your loss.

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