Insomnia

The house is quiet

….so quiet

My senses stretch

….searching in vain

for a hint of heartbeat

….of life.

I’ve had my shower

….read my book.

Worked on Sudoku

….till I can’t see.

Played computer games

….my mind is blank.

Time to head for bed

….I drag my feet.

Emptiness overwhelms me

….but I’m so tired.

I slide between cool sheets

….lay down my head.

…………………………………

It starts slowly

the spinning

whirling

writhing

surging

unstoppable

building

tumbling

whirlwind

of my mind.

I lay there

as it speeds up

faster

and

faster

round

and

round

I hold onto the bed

holding

trying

to stop

to slow

to break

the momentum

No use

I lay there

tears leaking

sliding

wetting the pillow

defeated

but too tired

to move

A century later

I sit up

while dirvish thoughts

chase themselves

through the labrinth

in my head

I drag

through the echoing

dead stillness

to the kitchen.

the spinning has slowed

I want tea

but have no energy

so I sit

wondering

why I’m still here

Thirty-eight hours

of awake

it’s a long way

to the door

1000 miles to the bed

my heart is hammering

I struggle to stand

slide my feet along

so slowly

like walking

through porridge

The bed approaches

creeping nearer

haltingly

I observe from afar

dispassionately

as I fall into it

My eyes close

and my thoughts

start to swirl

faster

and

faster

…………….

Once upon a time it was easy to fall asleep. In fact, long ago I fell asleep on a motorcycle and almost tumbled off when the driver turned a corner. In my defense, I had been on the motorcycle for almost 9 hours with only a gas station break, was jammed between the driver and an enormous duffle bag, couldn’t see around his back, and all I could hear was the rumble of the motor. Fortunately, he grabbed me as I started to slide off and woke me up. Unfortunately, he pulled over and yelled at me for 15 minutes.DSCF2371b

We rolled into the next rest area—empty at 2:00 am—where I lay down on the pavement with my head on the curb and fell asleep for the 20 minutes it took him to find the bathroom in the dark and make it back to the parking lot. It’s probably a good thing I couldn’t see what I was laying in.

At that time my hair was waist-length and after that trip it took almost two hours to get all the tangles out. I don’t think it’s recovered to this day, and that was over 40 years ago. I’ve never had much of a desire to go motorcycle riding ever since.

Where am I going with this?? Oh yes, I give this story as an example of my past ability to sleep anywhere and anywhen. As you can guess from the title of this posting, there have been times when that is not the case. Situations change, lifestyles change, hormones imbalance, comfort level rolls over a hill, stress level climbs a mountain, friends go back to their lives, family is 2000 miles away, you find yourself suddenly alone after 30+ years of companionship…etc.

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Well, this has been one of the highlight weeks of my writing career.
vb-award

I am honored beyond belief that I have been nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award by two of my favorite bloggers. I never expected an award and, at best, consider myself mediocre, so it came as a huge surprise when such versatile bloggers as Shane of Shane’s Book and Technology Blog and Patti at Petite Magique nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award.

Shane is fairly new to the blogging world but has certainly impressed a lot of people with his writing skills in both the prose and poetry fields, as well as his insightful book reviews. I think he has a real knack for getting to the heart of a poem and capturing the essense of the meaning with his expert choice of words. Shane, thanks for the nomination from the bottom of my heart.

Patti has also been on the blogging scene for a short time, but has put together a beautiful blog filled with her own poetry, photography, and some incredible tips and photographic ‘How To’ postings–and had done it in two languages! Her poetry is set against stunning backgrounds of he own design for a true display of her versatility.

It it my honor and pleasure to be nominated by these two rising stars on the blogging scene.

Those of you who have read parts of this blog other than the Poetry page know a bit about my history.

For the poetry buffs, here is a brief synopsis:

About 5 years ago I lost my husband of 32 years after a two year battle with cancer. Since that time I have been emotionally adrift. The fires of my creativity have been banked so low that I don’t even remember much of the time between then and now. I know I started this blog because I read it and recall the events, though I wonder how I wrote those words when I could barely think. I guess there must have been moments of lucidity.

A little over six months ago I met someone who reached out a hand to me and showed me the way back to solid ground.

This is dedicated to one who has come to mean more to me than I ever thought was possible.

sunrise

My Love, My Friend,
please read this with an open mind.
I am not trying to influence you,
only struggling to put my feelings into words.

From The Abyss
 For many years,
through many tears
I found trust.

I remember the feeling.
Absolute trust.

Trust that love was strong,
would survive anything,
that life was laid out and
would always be good,
that there was a place for me
a sanctuary where I was safe
from curves the world could throw.

Then, my world shattered.
One piece at a time,
over the course of years,
until the sky fell down
and the ground gave way.

I fell into a dark and bottomless pit
–floating–
unable to find solid ground
–lightless–
severed and directionless,
wrapped in a numbing cocoon.
By choice unaware.

But in the darkness I felt a touch.
A hand reached out,
warm fingers stroked my cheek,
reminders that life continues
outside the abyss.

Gentle guidance led me
to solid footing and a ray of light.

At first, the light was too bright,
I had no strength to stand,
but time passed, my eyes adjusted,
my strength returned.

Like a phoenix I am rising
from ashes of the past
to a new beginning.

But,
without that touch,
that hand,
that light

…..

would I have drifted
forever
beyond reach?

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